


Flaws

by justyrae



Series: I Didn't Know I Was Broken 'Til I Wanted to Change [2]
Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Denial of Feelings, Kissing, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-27
Updated: 2014-06-27
Packaged: 2018-02-06 09:34:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1853188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justyrae/pseuds/justyrae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick's not the only one who's struggling with what to say.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Flaws

**Author's Note:**

> title from the Bastille song of the same name (lyrics within the fic as well)

_When all of your flaws and all of my flaws are laid out, one by one_

The thing was, Louis knew this whole mess was his fault. He'd never been the type of person to be the first to apologize, but that didn't mean he didn't feel awful about what had happened.

It wasn't until he'd already stormed out of Nick's flat that he even realized what had tumbled out of his mouth in the heat of the moment; all the terrible, hateful words that he'd said that he didn't even mean.

The truth was Louis was scared. He hated being scared; absolutely loathed the feeling. He did nearly everything in his power to give the impression that he was never scared. In reality, every moment he spent with Nick made him feel two things: hopelessly enamored and downright terrified.

_A wonderful part of the mess that we made, we pick ourselves undone_

No matter how many times Louis told himself that he'd done the right thing, he knew it wasn't true. The conflicting feelings in his heart made him absolutely miserable. It took every ounce of strength he had not to take his frustration out on those around him; he knew they didn't deserve to be treated poorly just because Louis was incapable of handling his true feelings.

His bandmates did their best to distract him from his feelings, each using their own tactics that had worked well enough in the past. He'd sneak off with Zayn to get high, or play a bit of footie with Liam. Niall never stopped smiling, knowing full well that nobody could stay frowning long in his presence.

Harry, on the other hand, was the only one who knew the whole story. He'd wrap Louis up in his arms and cuddle him without Louis having to ask (not that he would, anyway). Harry spent hours rambling on in a slow drawl, filling the silence with nonsense so Louis didn't have to think if he didn't want to.

_All of your flaws and all of my flaws, they lie there hand in hand_

But truth be told, Louis thought about Nick all the time.

Every morning he woke up alone in an unfamiliar bed, he thought about how much he missed the smell of Nick's sheets. Every time he called home, he remembered the sleepy sound of Nick's voice when Louis would call late at night.

Louis found himself counting down the days until he could go home to London. He didn't know if Nick would even want to see him after what he'd said, but he had to at least try.

He couldn't bear the thought of Nick slamming the door in his face, even if he had every right to. There was an infinite number of ways Louis could apologize, but not a single one would explain why he'd reacted the way that he did that day.

_Ones we've inherited, ones that we learned; they pass from man to man_

Looking back, Louis tried to find the reason why he'd snapped so quickly. Why, instead of staying calm and not having yet another pointless argument, he'd said the words he'd always dreaded to hear.

"I don't _care_ what you do!"

He did care. Louis cared very much, actually. But he'd never been able to admit it aloud, and he knew that would be the downfall of his relationship with Nick. If there was even a relationship left.

Louis groaned as he thumped his head against the window, silently thankful that Harry had fallen asleep shortly after the plane took off. If he'd been awake, he would've tried everything to distract Louis like he'd been doing for the past few weeks.

While Louis had welcomed it during this leg of the tour, he didn't want the distraction anymore. He didn't deserve to think of anything other than how he'd treated Nick. Louis _needed_ to think about it; he needed to understand why he did what he did and figure out what he could do to fix it.

The problem was that Louis had absolutely no idea where to start.

_There's a hole in my soul; I can't fill it, I can't fill it_

Louis switched on his phone the moment they landed at Heathrow; he'd been gripping it tightly in his hand ever since the pilot announced their descent.

"Step one," he mumbled quietly as he watched the screen come to life; notifications popping up one after another, but he didn't stop to look at a single one.

He opened a new text message, addressed it to Nick, and typed out three simple words.

**See you soon.**

Louis let out a sharp breath and Harry stirred in his seat. Louis quickly pocketed his phone and forced a smile as Harry turned to blink wearily at him.

"Didja sleep?" he asked, his voice slower and thicker than normal. Louis shook his head, shrugging lightly when Harry frowned.

"M'alright," he mumbled in response.

"Should've tried," Harry went on. "Jetlag's gonna get you."

"I'll survive," Louis replied in an amused tone.

Harry was right, of course, given that it was barely past seven in the morning in London. Louis' internal clock was still set to whatever time zone South America was, but he had more important things to worry about.

_There's a hole in my soul, can you fill it? Can you fill it?_

Louis spent all of fifteen minutes in his own flat, and for more than half of that time he stared at himself in the mirror. If there were ever a time for Louis to chicken out and hide, this was it.

"No," he whispered. Then again, firmly, " _no_."

He hadn't gotten a response from Nick, so all he could do was hope that he wouldn't stand on his doorstep all day like a complete fool. He tried not to count the minutes that passed as he waited, cursing the wind that just wouldn't die down.

Louis tucked himself as close to the door as he could while still keeping his eyes on the sidewalk, hoping that Nick would come into view any moment.

When he finally spotted Nick, his eyes downcast and arms wrapped firmly around him, he cursed himself. Without a doubt, Louis knew that whatever Nick was feeling was because of him.

_You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve, and I have always buried them deep beneath the ground_

Louis stepped away from Nick's door and shoved his hands deep into his pockets just as Nick looked up and saw him.

The words left his mouth before he could stop them; the tone of his voice a familiar defense against letting anyone in.

"Going to invite me in or what?"

Nick looked away from Louis as he climbed the steps to unlock the door, and Louis cursed himself. Already, this was not going the way he'd wanted it to; the way he'd hoped it would.

_Dig them up, let's finish what we've started; dig them up, so nothing's left unturned_

As he crossed over the threshold into Nick's flat, Louis knew that he couldn't let things go any further down the road they were heading. If he wanted to make a change, he had to do it now.

Pressing Nick against his door to snog his face off wasn't exactly a change, but the words he mumbled against Nick's lips most certainly were.

"I'm sorry."

Once he said it, he couldn't stop. Louis repeated the words over and over, hoping that Nick knew he meant them; hoping that Nick would understand that he was _trying_.

_All of your flaws and all of my flaws, when they have been exhumed_

It wasn't until later that Louis had the courage to say something other than "I'm sorry." Telling Nick he missed him wasn't much, and it wasn't all that he wanted to say, but it was another start.

Nick tightened his grip around Louis once they'd settled into a comfortable position, and Louis pressed his face against Nick's neck tightly.

Despite his exhaustion from their recent activity and the jetlag that was steadily catching up with him, Louis' mind was filled with things he wanted to say. One phrase stood out from the rest, and he mumbled it into Nick's skin.

A small weight lifted from Louis' chest when he heard Nick's laugh and amused tone of voice.

"Can't hear you, Lou."

Louis turned his head and exhaled sharply as he interlaced his fingers with Nick's. He squeezed them tightly as he closed his eyes, willing himself to have the courage to say it again.

"I didn't mean it," Louis repeated. "When I said I didn't care what you do."

"Lou..."

"I _do_ care." Louis bit his lip and let out another deep breath. "I care a lot."

Nick let out a long sigh as he pulled away and turned over so he could look down at Louis. He remained silent and Louis stared up at him, terrified that he'd said the wrong thing.

"I'm sor-" he began, but Nick covered his mouth.

"Stop saying that," he said with an exasperated sigh. "Just..." Nick pulled his hand away from Louis' mouth, trailing his fingers across Louis' cheekbone as their eyes met.

"What?" Louis asked softly.

"Don't run off, alright?" Nick pressed his forehead against Louis' and Louis found himself smiling genuinely for the first time in days. He nodded, smiling more when their noses brushed against one another before he pressed his lips against Nick's in a gentle kiss.

It wasn't all that he wanted to say; it wasn't a fix for everything that had gone wrong. Louis knew in the back of his mind that there was a very good chance that he'd run off again and hurt Nick, even if he didn't necessarily mean to.

But for the moment, he'd said enough.

_We'll see that we need them to be who we are, without them we'd be doomed._

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr](http://imlouisaf.tumblr.com)


End file.
